I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
