I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
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