It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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