planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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