I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
