Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I love you.
Bad choice
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