she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
