I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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