Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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