now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
