so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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