You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
