i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
