The maid of honor just puked.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
