I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
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I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
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A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
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