ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
