I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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