My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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