I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
