he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
