I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
