I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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