Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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