If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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