I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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