the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
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Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
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Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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