Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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