Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
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Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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