It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
