mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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