He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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