She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
