literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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