Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
