Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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