im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize