just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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