Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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