They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
