At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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