I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
