hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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