i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
