oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
