we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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