Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
