the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
