if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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