Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
