it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
