It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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