How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
