Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
