I accidentally had phone sex last night
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
