I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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