The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
